Let the TV Lawyers Handle the Pyrotechnics

Reading about California lawyer Don Howarth’s apparent effort to trick a witness in a court case, I couldn’t help but think about old TV shows where lawyers prove that a plaintiff doesn’t have whiplash by dropping a heavy book on the floor. The plaintiff turns his head, the injury is revealed as fake, and the book-laden lawyer wins his case. Howarth brought that old ploy into the new millennium by incorporating somewhat more advanced technology in an apparent effort to discredit testimony.

As reported by AP and in multiple venues (see, e.g., Joe Patrice, Shocking Testimony!Literally—Lawyer Administers 75-Volt Shock To Witness, Above the Law, May 6, 2014; Martha Neil, Lawyer must pay witness $1K for shocking him with trick pen, says judge, ABA Journal online, May 6, 2014; Corey Adwar, Lawyer Sanctioned For Inflicting A Potentially Dangerous Electric Shock On A Witness, Business Insider India, May 7, 2014), Howarth, in a lawsuit about whether cows could feel electrical currents from a power plant in their vicinity, gave a gag pen to a witness who was testifying that a person could not feel a 1.5 volt charge. Howarth reportedly informed the witness that the pen contained a 1.5 volt battery, directed the witness to click the pen, and asked whether the witness could feel it. 

Although a harmless shock was all the label on the pen indicated would occur, this particular pen contained a transformer that increased the charge up to 750 volts. The witness felt it. The court fined the lawyer $3,000 and concluded that battery of a witness occurred.

The question is, when something like this is reported and goes viral, how should a wrongdoer conduct himself as the world wonders, what was he thinking? How might that demonstration ever have turned out well? I certainly don’t know what Howarth was thinking, or what his client then or now was thinking, but I’d hope I’d have the wherewithal to apologize for a serious lapse in judgment. We’ve all had them; we should own up to them. 

It’s probably tempting to avoid the media’s calls and emails and tweets. This little episode will surely blow over. But when someone googles this five years from now, or in two more days, let’s hope there’s some contrition reflected in all of these write-ups. Who can’t forgive someone who made a mistake and acknowledges the error? A lapse in judgment need not end a career; a little humility can help save one.

—Lori Tripoli

Seven Ways to Screw Up Your Christmas Cards

’Tis the season to spread a little secular cheer, and lawyers could do it as well as anyone else—if only they took the time. I’ve received more than my share of poorly prepared holiday cards, so many so that I typically have an annual  in-house “most hideous card ever” contest. I’ll refrain from posting the winner here, but below are a few tips to guarantee a well-placed entry in the bunch:

1. Have your secretary write them. Nothing says “thank you for your business” like an outsourced “personalized” message in girly handwriting.
2. Use a cheap pen. Earn extra points for smudging the ink so clients are absolutely certain you spent as little time as possible on this task.
3. Send cards only to your major clients. Prospective clients, connections, associates, support staff, or any others likely to speak fondly of you or actually funnel business your way need not be remembered just now.
4. Don’t bother with a salutation. You and your firm are cool and aloof and you wouldn’t want to wear down your brand.
5. Omit a personal note because if you follow all the steps on this list, no one in your universe is going to be feeling warm and fuzzy about you anyway, and you can move on to the next item on your to-do list all the sooner.
6. Scribble your signature. If just your firm’s name is engraved on the card, don’t worry about whether it’s legible.
7. Use cheap labels that you can mass produce in your printer. Addressing an envelope could take 30 seconds and give the appearance that you put some thought into this activity, and that’s an impression you just don’t want to make.

 For extra credit, ask recipients whether they’ve received your card. They only receive hundreds, and if you’ve followed the steps above, your missive got only a glancing look before being filed in the recyclables.

Panicky now that your holiday cards are a useless expensive likely to be scorned? Good. So spend some time writing meaningful ones. Let the people in your world, clients or not, know how you actually do appreciate them. Your world, and not just your wallet, will expand.

—Lori Tripoli